Occupational Hazard
by CitrusBlast
Summary: Sometimes it's better to just leave Ancient technology alone.
1. Quandary

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or any of that stuff, wish I did, but I don't, so don't sue me or anything.

_"No, look, I'm telling you, it's this one, now quit it..."_ Weir was awakened by the sound of Rodney's voice over the com.  
  
_"How would you know?"_ came the voice of Carson Beckett, slightly irritated. She sat up and cocked her head, curious.  
  
_"What do you mean 'how do I know?', I've worked with this technology more than anyone, that's how, now stop it"_  
  
_"Um, hello? Dr. Weir, can you hear me?"_ chimed McKay's voice again. "Yes doctor, I can hear you, is something wrong?" Elizabeth Weir wasn't a pessimistic person by nature, but considering the last few weeks, anything having to do with Rodney McKay this late at night was bound to be disastrous.  
  
_"Uh, to tell the truth, sort of.__ C-could you meet us in the med-lab please?"_ McKay's voice had that desperate almost-laughing quality to it that suggested a medium-sized disaster. "I'll be right there" Weir said, and collapsed back onto her pillow. She glanced at the clock, and realized her folly; it was still programmed to 24-hour time. Pulling on a fuzzy blue robe, she strode out of her quarters and to the lab.  
  
Upon entering, she saw an irritated-looking Rodney McKay sitting on one of the exam tables. He turned and flashed a wide 'I'm so annoyed I can't stand it much longer' fake smile at her. "Hi!" he exclaimed jovially, "...." he looked as though he were on the verge of saying something, and instead, just sighed and put his head down in his hands. "You tell her," he said quietly.  
  
"No, you're the scientist, you explain it... smart guy" came Beckett's Scottish accent from Rodney's direction, but Weir couldn't see him. She walked closer to look on the other side of the exam table, but there was nobody there. Only she and Rodney were in the room.  
  
"What is going on here?" she asked, "And before you answer, consider this. This planet has about 33 hours in its rotational cycle, I was up for most of them, and have been asleep for only two." She said somewhat crossly, in no mood for games.  
  
Rodney sighed again, and just as he was about to offer a technical explanation, Carson's voice burst from his mouth, "Dinkus here was playin' round with more Ancient technology-"   
  
"Okay," came McKay's voice again, "first: I wasn't playing around with anything; I was following all the proper safety procedures, ensuring that nothing would happen, and second: you're the one who knocked the crystal off the table, not me!" McKay looked very smug, but his expression changed a second later to distress.  
  
"**_MY FAULT?!_** The crystal was leaning half-off the table in the first place, if someone would've sneezed at it the damn thing would have fallen."  
  
"Well then, I guess it's too bad nobody came in before you and _SNEEZED_ at the unidentified piece of Ancient technology!"  
  
"Ach! You – smug... maple leaf – bastard!! You know what I meant, anybody could have done that."  
  
Rodney/Carson just stood there looking sullen, while Weir assimilated all that had just occurred.

Elizabeth Weir had traveled 100-million light-years from her home world, seen aliens who could suck the years right from a person's body, and been witness when the Lost City of Atlantis had risen from the sea after millions of years of submersion, however, she concluded that this was, by far, the strangest thing she had experienced as of yet. She found she had only one thing to say.  
  
"Where's your body, Dr. Beckett?" she asked in a voice that exuded a calmness she didn't feel. Rodney's eyes scowled at her, while a distinctly Scottish-sounding chuckle emanated from his mouth. "You had to bring that up, didn't you?" Rodney asked her.

To Be Continued...


	2. How It Began

_Flashback to 33 minutes ago..._

So, when exposed to a frequency of 33.742 GHz, the crystals glow, which means... what?

"Rrrgghh!" Rodney McKay's frustrated grunt rang out in the empty lab. He had been working on these 'memory crystals' for about 30 hours straight. He really should have gone to bed eight hours ago, but, after some intensive translating, he found that they were not, in fact, memory crystals associated with storing computer memory, but actual people, much like the Asgard do. He also found that there were over ten-thousand crystals in a hidden alcove of the laboratory, yet they all seemed to be empty.

"Damnit." He said, to nobody in particular. He had been hoping that the Ancients had left some of their number behind, along with a cloning facility, as a much more efficient form of suspended animation. He looked over the table, observing the crystals he had tested during the day. They were clear, about thirty centimeters long, as wide as a beer can, and had eight sides, being flat on either end. He tried to think of the whatever-gon name that pertained to it, but couldn't get his brain to work properly. He groaned pathetically.

After groaning several more times, to no avail, he decided that he needed coffee. The high-caffeine stuff. The real McCoy. The only – "Dah!" he exclaimed, jumping backwards into the Frequency Generator, causing it to emit a particularly strong pulse at exactly 33.742 GHz.

As it turns out, Dr. Beckett had been standing over him for a few minutes now, and, not expecting such a reaction, Carson jumped as well, off to the side, where an inadvertently placed memory crystal was knocked to the floor, glowing brightly for a moment before shattering on the hard floor.

In a series of events that could only be described as syzygy, both Carson and Rodney were positioned exactly between the Frequency Generator, and the Memory Crystal, which was overloaded by the extremely strong pulse, sending out a neuronic wave that impacted Dr. Beckett, wiping clear his neural pathways, while imprinting them onto Dr. McKay's brain.

Several minutes passed before Rodney regained consciousness. He immediately ran to Carson, and, through no action of his own, began yelling crazily.

"What the hell!?" he said, between screams. He fought for control of his body, though it would not listen to him. He finally stopped screaming, but his eyes darted at himself, then raised his hands and turned them about in front of his face. Before he knew it, his eyes were locked on Carson's unconscious body, and an angry Scottish accent burst from his mouth.

"What the Sweet-Mary-Mother-of-God is going on!?! McKay! What's happened!?"

As the truth dawned on both Carson Beckett and Rodney McKay, their single pair of eyes went wide enough for the both of them.


	3. Quick and Messy

"This is... interesting, but why isn't your body here, Carson?" Elizabeth asked. The strange, multi-voiced body of Rodney McKay was starting to get to her, in more ways than one.

"We were getting to that, but if you want the quick and messy; Rodney wasn't strong enough to drag me to the infirmary." Carson said, chuckling. "He practically fai-, uh... _passed out_." The Scotsman added, trying (miserably) to contain his laughter. Weir saw that, though his voice was jovial, his eyes were scowling, definitely McKay.

"Well what was I supposed to do?" came Rodney's voice. "It was nothing but dead weight."

"Speaking of which," Elizabeth said, to avoid any further insults between the two, "is... your body... alright?" she asked, wondering if she had phrased that correctly.

"Yes and no," Rodney started, but Carson finished, "We determined that the crystal transferred only my higher brain functions, what makes me, _me_. Everything that controls how my body works, and runs itself, was left behind. It's very similar to a Stage 1 Coma. If it weren't for the fact that there's no conscious mind in my body, I, or... it... could wake up at any time."

"Is there a way to reverse the... effect?" Dr. Weir asked, stopping herself before uttering the word 'damage', realizing Carson might take offense.

"These are the Ancients we're talking about," Rodney said, "they've got redundancy upon redundancy, I have no doubt that there is a way to reverse this... but," he began, yet couldn't finish.

"But what?" Weir asked suspiciously.

"It's like I've been saying since we got here; the Ancients, this city, so much of their technology is just, light-years beyond us that, even though I'm sure there's a solution, I don't know if I'll be able to find it." Rodney's sober attitude worried Elizabeth a little. By no stretch of the imagination could he be considered a ray of sunshine, however, no matter how bad he said he had it, there was always... a light in his eyes that told her he was going to succeed. That light was gone now.

"I have faith in you Rodney, and you, Carson. I'm sure that you and the rest of the science team be able to figure this out." She said, smiling sincerely. "I'll fill Major Sheppard in and have him help you get your body in here Carson." If there was one thing Elizabeth Weir knew, it was that John Sheppard would handle this situation with tact and understanding.


	4. Something Else

"What?!" Rodney asked furiously, as the third person in a row started laughing as she passed by him. "Elizabeth _did _say that John didn't tell anyone what happened, right?" he asked quietly.

_Two hours earlier._

"... and now they're both trapped in McKay's body!" John finished, relaying the whole story to Ford, Teyla, Bates, and ten other people in the dining hall. After a moment of stunned silence, gales of laughter broke out, and lots of involuntary regurgitation of milk through various noses occurred.

_In the present._

"Right," Carson said, "I'm sure it's something else."


End file.
